Deanie

In December 2019 I lost my best friend, my sister to breast cancer.  

Words cannot express how painful and hard it has been losing you. I still struggle with the knowledge that you are no longer a hug or phone call away.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. They say time heals all wounds... but this is just too deep. 

You fought so hard for another day and I draw upon your strength, your fierce determination. 

Let me say that being your sister is the greatest blessing life has offered me. There is no one I would’ve rather grown up and shared this life with. 

Our lives haven't always been perfect we have had some hard spots in life but I can't remember a single one that we faced alone.

I never thanked you enough. For being there, for listening, for your unconditional love. Thank you for letting me vent. Thank you for making me an aunt and sharing your children with me. Thank you for being you. 

I miss our late night conversations. Your advice, silly Facebook comments... I miss you asking, “Where are you now?” I miss you sharing pics of your grandchildren, grand puppies... your family is/was your greatest pride. 

I am proud we are a soul family. I know that we will have more life experiences. I just was hoping for more time in this one. I know you, mom, Ray are waiting for me.... on the old heated fishing dock. I can’t wait. 

I will live each day in honor and remembrance of you.

The Person I Was

“Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health.” ~ Julia Child

November 29th -  I went shopping.  Which can be a bad thing for sales clerks who try to help me.  When I look in the mirror I see the person I was - 50 pounds ago.  Then I see the flaws loosing weight creates.  That is why I wear jeans that are to big.  Once a size 18 always a size 18 and it is easier to just run in a store, grab a pair of jeans, pay for them and run out.  

Only I am not a size 18.  I went shopping.  I went to 5 stores in 4 hours but I found bootcut jeans in my size,  no one was injured or insulted.   I kept my belts just in case.

I am wanting to purchase an elliptical but I also want to continue to travel...  On that note

Thank you Susan for the song.

Berne Brown

A quote taken from the end of the video. 

“To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

Transcript and video found here:

Musing

When you age you start buying more Sympathy cards than Birthday cards.  The past 5 years I have said goodbye more than I have said hello. Most to the natural order of life, old age.  Some were to young.  I am secure in my my faith in knowing that I will be saying hello to my family again. There are certain days, certain holidays that are a little rough.  

I am going to spend Thanksgiving with my sister’s family.

I remain vigilant in staying COVID-19 free.   

Yes, like many I have been seeing a therapist for grief and loss.  For a year and a half and it has been amazing.  I highly recommend it but do your research.  I am just so fortunate that her focus has not been on telling me what to do but to give me tools.

To quote one of my favorite artist/singers, It’s not that I’m so messed up, only a professional can help me...  It’s that I’m worthy of an unbiased, safe, and productive opportunity to process my experience."  Summer Osborne

Random Photos from Old - Old Dog Learning Tricks

 

See Rock City

Four years ago I was taking half of my mom’s ashes to Rock City, Lookout Mountain Georgia. 

I hiked up Lookout Mountain and found the place where you can see all 7 states. She was scattered there. 

 She loved the song, See Rock City. She played it constantly, from the first time she heard it in the 90’s to the day she transitioned, December 2015. It was the song she played when we pulled out of the driveway in 2006 to begin our life on the road. I understood why she related to the song and why it resonated with her. 

 She was trapped for 50 years, the last 20 she couldn’t leave the county. My father was wheelchair, housebound. Between the two of us we cared for him. He wasn’t an easy person to live with. 

 Her happiest time was when she was on the road. If there is message in this post it would be this. This isn’t the 50’s nor the 60’s. If you are in an unhealthy relationship- leave. There are options. 

 And she don't know where she's going And she's really not sure why But she's got to try and find a way To live before she dies She might see Rock City She might see Ruby Falls She might change her name to Marilyn And drop her southern drawl She wants to climb Lookout Mountain And see all seven states She wants to feel the wind through her hair again Before it gets too late to see Rock City.

 

Same Spirit

 "We run with the same spirits each lifetime. These spirits are known as our soul mates." dj hinton

I have seen this quote a few times on Facebook. I respect his words and beliefs. They are similar to my own.

I believe we do run with the same spirits each lifetime and these spirits are our soul family. I have a hard time believing in "soul mates." I use to romanticize it and believed in it until I saw the darker side of it.

Being a participant in past life regression, I can honestly say we will reunite each lifetime with the people that are our soul family. We also will reunite with spirits that we have unresolved issues with that are not a part of our soul family but they are a part of our learning experience.

We are all constantly changing, learning and applying what we learn in every lifetime. This is includes healing our spirits and amending the hurt we inflict, intentional or not, on our soul family members or others.

That is why when someone "dies" I call it transitioning.

We are all blessed with gifts, blessed with insight, blessed because we are unique individuals, blessed because we are loved and appreciated. Everyday we learn something new, whether we know it or not. Occasionally we forget how blessed we are but when a new life enters this lifetime or a life departs, it brings us back to this reality - that we are blessed.

The Rest of the Story

 “Laughter is sweet when enjoyed alone. 

But it becomes sweeter when you enjoy it together with the people around you.” ― Israelmore Ayivor 

  

Two subjects matters that make me twitch - Trump and Religion.  There are others but...  that is another post.

 An elderly gentlemen knocked at my door this morning, September 17, wearing a Trump cap.  Sigh.  He asked me to show him my van.  He said he sees it every morning when he walks his dog, even though I am outside he doesn't want to disturb me.  He said "I'm not sure what you are doing but you look like you are praying or sleeping or something."  

I said, "Meditation and prayers sir"

I grabbed my keys, replaced my nightclothes with street clothes and put on a bra...then went outside.  

 His wife, who was very frail and wobbly, was trying to get out of their brand new Subaru with his assistance and it wasn't going well. Well half of the car was parked on the sidewalk.  So I went over to lend an arm and we got her out.  She introduced herself and then proceeded to lecture me about always buy American made products and told me Trump gave them the money to buy their new refrigerator.  

You can't make this stuff up and it is my life.

We did get her in the van.  We had to lift her into it but we got her in.  She was giggling.  I was giggling.  This woman was a hoot.  She did get a good look at the van, I showed her all the goodies and conveniences.  Her husband did a walk thru, looked at the motor, kicked the tires...  We had such a wonderful conversation.  Truly, truly great neighbors to have despite their political affiliations.

I can overlook their love of Trump and them suggesting that I go to their church to do my praying because they were so much fun to talk to.   

Best of all, after we lifted her out of the van - got her back in their Subaru, she invited me over for a dip in their pool and dinner.  

Love these people, great to meet them.

Now the rest of the story.  My truck is parked at my son's house while I use the van.  After my company I went over there to get something out of the truck and left. When I was over at my son's house later this evening my granddaughter, Autumn, was deeply offended that I didn't stop by and see her.  I explained that it is very rude to just drop by without notice.....  My daughter in law, Kristin, looked at me and with a smile, said "like random people knocking at your door to see your van?"  

Too Funny.

Trying Something New

This morning, while waiting for the sun to rise I decided to delete A LOT of photos from my phone. It was a trip down...

Posted by Pepper Richardson on Thursday, September 17, 2020

Third Molar Blues

“Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental,

but the one that's both is dental.”

― Ogden Nash

The whole extraction/root canal procedure only took two hours. She said she had dentist friends from here to Illinois and I can see anyone of them all I need to do is just to call her. I was given steroids, antibiotics and medicated mouthwash. The stitches are dissolvable . I feel pretty secure in leaving Friday but I am going to take it day by day.

 

Being a gift giving dentist - I was interested in what would be in my extraction gift bag.  The usual things - gauze, instructions, a syringe....  but at the bottom of the bag was the surprise.  It was a package of instant oatmeal.  Well I said screw that I bought some ice cream.  

So far So Good.

Update and YouTube

 Nana korobi, ya oki

 

Friday night, September 11, 2020,  I broke a back molar.   Since my uppers are like cornbread (dentist's comment not mine) I woke up Saturday morning, around 4 a.m. packed and left for home.  Fortunately the tooth fairy didn't have to leave $5,000 under my pillow.  Tomorrow will be my extraction and Saturday I will be leaving - if not sooner.  

Bad luck runs in threes and so my bad luck is over and nothing but clear skies ahead.  

Seriously the past three months have really sucked but between the "this sucks" are moments that have made me happy.  Great times with friends, meeting Michael and Andy, a horse named Syrup, Bisti, and a marvelous dream where I saw my sister again happy.  Lots of good times between "this sucks."  

My daughter, HJ, and I have been sharing music back and forth... As I looked back on the songs I sent her I realize how depressing some were.  So I got on Spotify and performed a search for "Positive Vibes."  I did not know there was a club song titled "Peanut Butter and Jelly."  And as corny and silly as the song is - it just made me start dancing in the kitchen again.  It has an Aqua vibe going on - remember "Barbie Girl?"  Yes, I am going to contaminate my blog with YouTube Videos.  Grab a partner - 

Galantis is a Swedish electronic dance music production, songwriting and DJ duo consisting of Christian Karlsson and Linus Eklöw. Karlsson is also known as Bloodshy as part of two other musical groups, a duo and a trio. Eklöw is known as Style of Eye. Genre: Electro House, Electropop

It's A Date

Advice from a Mushroom
Be down-to-earth
Sprout new ideas
Keep a low profile
Know when to show up
Stay well-rounded
Start from the ground up
Be a fun-guy!

I met my new doctor and am happy with my choice. He checked me over then said I needed an orthopedic doctor and physical therapy for both my back and shoulder. Woo Hoo Here is the amazing part. I got calls and appointments less than an hour later.

I went to physical therapy yesterday and was given a "workout" program that is doable while on the road.

Monday I will have blood drawn and BP checked again. The high blood pressure is from pain. So blood pressure will go down.


Our date of departure will be in about a week.


My friend will be following me for a few days and we will part ways after Bisti Badlands. I will head East and she will head back to Tucson.


I do have a caretaker for my home.


All that is left is for me to make a list of items I need to pack in the van and to clean the van.

Positive Affirmation and Bathroom Mirrors

All of my feelings (sadness, guilt, emptiness, loneliness, anger, relief, irritability...] are all normal reactions to the losses I am experiencing.

I see a therapist for grief and loss. I have been seeing her for a little over a year. I would advise everyone to see a therapist. It has been life changing for me. 

Two weeks ago she had asked me to do a project. She asked that I write positive affirmations on my bathroom mirror. My bathroom mirror takes up a huge portion of my wall. It was the previous owner's decision to put it up. 

The one thing I do not need to see when I first wake up is "you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are AWESOME!" Because at my age, I am not beautiful. At 4 A.M. I am not amazing let alone awesome. That takes a while. plus at least two cups of tea

I got my comeuppance today. She said out of all the people she knew, she knew I would do this. I was quirky enough to try it.

Thanks to COVID and video chat she has seen my dining room wall with the two taxidermy bats.

She has given me so many great tools, so...

On my way home I stopped at my son's workplace and I borrowed a dry erase marker.


I think.... no I know the hardest sentence to believe is "I am enough." I will include that phrase in my morning meditation and prayers.

I plan to write my mantra on the mirror... It is big enough:

1. I am grateful

 

2. I feel beautiful, I am beautiful

 

3. I am proud of myself

 

4. I welcome all forms of positivity into my life

 

5. I am free to be myself

 

6. I am whole, healthy, and strong

 

7. I choose to radiate happiness and love

 

8. I have the power to create change

 

9. I am unique and confident

 

10. I choose to focus on the bright side of all situations

 

11. I am thankful for what my body can do

 

12. I treat myself with love and respect

 

13. I am deserving and worthy of all good things

 

14. I do not judge myself or others

 

15. I accept myself for who I am 

Georgia's Siren Call

"The optimist looks at the horizon and sees an opportunity; 
the pessimist peers into the distance and fears a problem." 
William Arthur Ward

I love planning trips - I realize that 87 percent of the time the plan changes. I will be done with all that needs to be done by Monday morning. This is subject to change because I am seeing a new doctor Thursday about my back, shoulder, pain management.... I am hoping he will say "wear a sling." 

My friend, Marta will be following me. We wanted to camp at the Cosmic Campground in New Mexico but it is closed. So Luna Lake AZ will be the first stop, followed by Canyons of the Ancients CO, then Bisti Badlands NM..... I am aware there is a whole lot of beauty where we will be exploring- I am aware we will get sidetracked.... a lot. So I am not setting dates. 

After exploring three states with designated stops, I plan to travel east stopping in Iowa, Missouri, Illinois. 

My take off date? Sometime before the 20th. 

Then I will head home after visiting friends, family.... unless I heed Georgia's siren call. Which would not be a bad thing.

King Louie Bowling Shirt Case

Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. 

Conscious breathing is my anchor. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

While on the road I keep my meditation altar and the items I use in a little picnic basket. It is cute but not exactly functional. I came up with the idea of using a small suitcase. One without wheels, made well and sturdy. That way the top of the suitcase can be used as an altar.

Perhaps a child’s suitcase.

I went to an antique store in search of a small suitcase. The lady that assisted me was amazing. I told her I was looking for a small suitcase. When she asked why and what purpose. I explained I needed it for a portable meditation altar.

She immediately showed me a laughing Buddha statue and she was unsure of the stone. The stone was serpentine. We had a long discussion of stones and I was able to identify most of those she showed me.

We also discussed altar setup which as we all know is very personal and must come from you. Also discussed crystals and identifying them. Also touching them and the energy that comes from them. All in all it was very much what I needed at this time. Connecting with a like minded person and sharing of personal beliefs.

Then she found the perfect case for me. A King Louie Bowling Shirt Case, complete with the logo on the inside. It is perfect.

I will be posting pics and the items I place on my altar in a latter post.

Yes, I bought the Buddha.

Fine and Dandy

“Gaslighting are lies with a purpose to confuse and control.”
Tamara

I have met people who claim to be a spiritual leader. In the beginning you are encouraged to speak, express your ideas, your beliefs, your truths. Slowly their words are injected into your thoughts, your words - at first a melding of ideas. In time your words, your thoughts fade then disappear and only their words, their truths remain. 

 
You wonder why you didn't see this when everyone else did....

It is so hard to break away and find yourself again. To find your heart that you foolishly gave away.

But my friend, you will

The Art of Seth

It Is Not Happening - Yet

Milarepa, a great Tibetan yogi and enlightened being, 

was asked about enlightenment. He said, 

“It is the space between thoughts.” 

The interlude of the breath is the way to discover this. 

Enlightenment is a particular neutrality that is lived within each moment.

Traveling at this time is not happening - but soon.  My back should be stronger by the end of the month.  This evening I sat on my pillow and meditated.... more important I got back up.  Exercise will keep the back limber and on the road to healing.

My back will be on the road....

I will not.  So not fair.

Meanwhile I will post pictures of random 2020 travel photos for entertainment and talk about my everyday life.  

It is going to get interesting.

Learning to Transition...

...and suddenly you just know it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.

Update on the back. X Rays were done, I should hear the results this morning. I am going to physical therapy to learn how to do exercises without causing more damage to my shoulder and back. It takes less than a hour to learn the new routine and I am excited I can get back to exercising. My shoulder is really doing well.

Not from my doctor, I received the usual lecture about doing things alone at my age. Sometimes a person doesn't need to hear those words especially when they are physically and mentally in a vulnerable place because sooner or later out of the ashes a very pissed off old fart will arise. When it is my time I would rather die doing what I love than sitting on the couch scared shitless that something bad is going to happen.

Talk about chicken little.

I haven't been able to make my bed, sweep, mop, vacuum...since I hurt my shoulder so I am going to surface clean today, figure out how to do laundry and then I am calling a housekeeping service and a plumber. I can't fix the toilet either - it requires being a contortionist.

This morning I grabbed my pillow, went outside, managed to get seated and sit cross legged. A few deep breaths. Meditation lasted 10 minutes with minimal pain. I was able to pull myself up and walk in the kitchen.

Every day I will continue to pull myself up, be it physically or mentally. Eliminating negative people from my life has become mandatory. I will not be "Chicken Little."

I will be picking up my van Thursday to get it packed.  Friday I will be driving down the road.  

Why go out like tears in rain?
Water curling down a drain
Courage, love, and dry your wings
Fly like a butterfly in Spring
Don't ask why, just do something and fly
Why not?
You're a butterfly

-Butterfly- deb talan